i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
