There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
