My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
