You're my little dorito
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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