I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
3 2 1 whiskey
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
