my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
