I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
