I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
