see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
