My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
