....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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