just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
