If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
