apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
