She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
