foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
