I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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