Soap is not a condiment
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
