There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
