How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
