My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
