Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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