theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
