he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
