It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
