Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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