I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
