can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
