dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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