He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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