He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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