Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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