Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Randomize
