twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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