we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
