The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
