I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Dick very happy bro
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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