Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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