i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
