consequently i now know what mace tastes like
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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