I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
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