Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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