he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
