Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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