sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
