her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
