You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
