Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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