let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
