There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
