i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
